How To Have A Good Divorce


This is going to surprise you. I can
almost guarantee it. And who even asks this? “How do you have a good divorce?” Here’s the surprise part. I’m not going
to tell you how to have a good divorce yet. I will at the end. But first I have
to tell you how to have a terrible nasty caustic divorce. You ready? This works and
it works really well. Step 1, blame someone for your misery.
Oh! And you know who to blame too, don’t you?
Yeah, you do. It’s not too hard to find that person to blame. You got to blame
them. Don’t take any personal responsibility
here. If you want to have a really nasty divorce, you got to have an enemy –someone
to blame. And you know quite frankly? If you can’t find it in your heart to
really blame the person, then at least blame the circumstances or blame the
events or blame the things that happened that totally destroyed your marriage. You
got to have the blame in place. That’s an important part for for that grievance to
develop properly. Step 2 in having a terrible divorce is to practice pride. I
mean the good old fashioned destructive pride where you know that you’re right. I
had Brett Williams on the show here months ago. You can look it up in the
archives Brett Williams the author of “You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married.”
Well you know you’re right. Hang on to that position. Practice destructive pride
that has you stubbornly refusing to yield on any position. You know that
you’re right. Hang on to that. And in a divorce that’s really going to help to
make things nasty. For this last step on how to have a terrible
divorce, I have to lay a little bit of background. Part of my history as a
psychologist was spent doing child custody evaluations for the court.
These are bitter angry nastily divorced people who cannot figure out how to
share their kids. There’s this battle going on and so Dr. Paul gets sent in to
sort things out. Yeah. Thankfully I don’t do that kind of
work anymore. But I sure learned a lot. And one of the things that I learned in
a divorce –a bad divorce, you have to create fabricate make up an ex that you
can hate. Yeah. And you have to do this because of cognitive dissonance. That’s
just a psychological word that means it’s not cool to be divorced from a
really awesome person. Do you see how that doesn’t quite fit? Cognitive
dissonance is when your experience doesn’t match with your beliefs. And so,
you have to reconcile it somewhere. It is okay. It is okay to be divorced from a
nasty terrible horrible awful spawn of Satan sort of a person. And so, you create
one of those in your mind. You create an ex that you can hate. This makes the
divorce so much worse. It’s exactly what we’re going for here. To have a terrible
divorce. And it’s really a case of identity theft. Because the person you
create in your mind isn’t a real person. But this person has the name and face
and identifying information that’s the same as your ex spouse. See? Then this
person this imaginary person stole their identity and now you can hate that
person. And this will drive your ex crazy too. Because that’s not even them but
they’ll find themselves defending that person all the time.
Awesome formula, right? Are we clear on how to have
a terrible divorce? Now, we get to the good stuff. As long as you’re clear…
Because you know what? You get to choose what kind you’re going to have. And if
you want to have a terrible one, you do the things that I just said. Blame
someone or something else for being where you are. Practice destructive pride
because you know that you’re right. And create or fabricate an ex in your own
mind and imagination that you can hate forever. Sounds awesome, doesn’t it? No. I
set that up as a contrast because I want you to see it happening. And until you’re
aware of it, you don’t have any control over it. So pay attention, please. I am NOT
here to tell you how to think. I don’t have that kind of authority. I just want
you to see that you are. And that’s one way to be totally miserable for the
foreseeable future. Oh! And it gets expensive too.
One of the families that I worked with spent over 300,000 US dollars in their
custody dispute. What if they would have spent that money on their kids instead?
How much college and education can you get for 300 grand? Well, this is why I get
so passionate about it. Now, what if you are on the divorce path but you want to
have a good divorce? How do we do that? Here’s what it comes down to, folks. And I
know this because of all the clinical experience that I’ve done over the past
several decades in working with families both in high conflict divorce situations
and in high performance & high functioning families, which I also have
the honor of working with. There are n9 principles. These 9 principles are
guaranteed to make a marriage work. Well, guess what? I figured out that these 9
principles are guaranteed to make a divorce work. It’s just that people don’t
try them they throw them out the window and they get divorced in favor of the
other nasty things that we already talked about. Here’s the 9 principles.
I’ll go through them quickly because we cover them in more detail and other
videos and in our coaching programs. Here it is. Number one, positivity. That has to
do with the position of your own mind has nothing to do with what has happened.
It has to do with how you are handling what has happened. Positivity. Number one.
Number 2, values. You stick to your values, your morals, your ethics. I want
you to come through this with full integrity and do not allow the conflict
of a divorce to pull you off of center. You stick to
your values. Number 3, humility. Remember we talked about pride
as part of how to have a terrible divorce?
Well humility is the antidote. Give up your need to be right in exchange for
being open. Number 4, forgiveness. “What? In a divorce? What if they don’t deserve
forgiveness?” Has nothing to do with it. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
It’s not that you have some magical mystical power that you can actually
forgive someone for something they did wrong. You don’t have that kind of
authority. Get off your high horse. Forgiveness is about you. It’s about
changing your heart and mind. It’s about giving up your demand for a better past
so that you can move forward with power. Forgiveness. Number 5.
Respect. I was running a group with juvenile delinquents in a Correctional
Facility. One of the kids in the group pops off. “I respect those who respect me”.
And I’m thinking, “Oh, wow. That’s impressive.
Like who can’t do that?” It’s easy to respect people who respect you. I’m
talking about who you are at your core. Don’t let go of that. You are a
respectful person that’s why you’re going to treat your ex with respect. Has
nothing to do with whether they deserve it or not. This is about you. Respect.
That’s number 5. Number 6, love. Love is a choice. It even says so on
the cover of my book. The Love Choice. I’m not talking about a feeling
although love is associated with feelings. I’m talking about it as a
choice. And the short version is you have to fall on one side or the other. Every
interaction you have with your former spouse is going to be either a loving
interaction or a hateful one. And I use the word hate because people hate the
word hate. But check it out. If it’s not love, what is it? You choose love. Why?
Because you’re that kind of person. And hate is destructive. You look at the news.
We’ve had enough of hate. I got to ride in a Lyft in Denver recently. My Lyft
drivers name was the same as mine –Paul. Paul told me a story as he was giving me
a ride to where I needed to go –about witnessing the murder of his family. As a
young man in Rwanda. What is that all about? It’s because people chose hate. Am
i overstating this or not? If we choose hate, it causes death and destruction and
mayhem in this world. We’ve had enough of the hate. You choose love no matter what
because of who you are. Principle number 7 for having a good divorce is
compassion. We’ve already talked about respect and love. We could say many of
the same things about compassion. It also has a whole lot to do with kindness. Just
treating people as people. Not as objects. Not as enemies. But compassion, kindness
ties right into the love choice that we talked about earlier. Number 8, work.
This is a law of the universe people. Good things don’t happen without work. In
physics even. Work is the process by which matter transforms. It has to go
through some kind of process. It’s going to be a little bit of work for you to
create a good divorce. Don’t shy away from it. Get some help if you need it.
We’ve got some great coaches on our team that could help you personally with it.
Do the work. Do what is required. Yes, it’s going to be hard. Sorry. Number 9,
wholesome recreational activities. If we’re not having fun, we’re doing it
wrong. Okay? And you are a human being that needs to have some fun and some joy
in life. If you’re in a divorce situation, stop waiting for your ex to make your
life okay. Take it by the handles and move forward with purpose and intention.
Who’s responsible for you having a joyful life? You are. One of the ways that
you can accomplish that is through intentionally placing wholesome
recreational activities into your schedule, into your life. These 9
principles are absolutely guaranteed. What I have found in a divorce situation
is that people tend to go the way that most people go and that is bitterness
and anger and blaming. And what I call a victim mentality.
Let’s get you centered in the agent mentality. I go into some detail on this
in some of the private coaching that I do including some programs that we can
get you involved with. So, if you want to look at that a little bit more, let’s
have that conversation. I’m on your side. I just mentioned some coaching programs
that are available. You know the best way to get connected to that is to get on a
free breakthrough call with one of our team. It might be me. It might be one
our live on purpose certified coaches. But if you click in the link down below
DrPaulJenkins.com/ breakthroughcall. That’ll put you right
on our scheduling page. Not a sales page. Scheduling page. Let’s find the time to
talk.

7 thoughts on “How To Have A Good Divorce

  1. Hello, Dr. Paul. Your videos over the last several years have changed my life. This particular one has come with God's own timing. Thank you. I identify with the very person that the 9 principles describe. I will watch this over and over again!!!

    Can I please have more information about the resources you spoke about? I am not able to pay for assistance at this time so hopefully you offer some resources that would work for my financial situation.
    Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Ps- Congratulations on your new Amazon status! I meant to send that earlier when I saw your video thanking US. Really, we thank YOU, and I thank GOD, for how you are helping turn lives around!

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