Kindness As Currency

(melodramatic music plays) JERK:
How hard is it to show me an ottoman made out of pine wood?! This is OAK!!! Jesus Christ! EMPLOYEE:
I’m sorry! LEAH:
That guy was being really mean. KATHERINE:
Yeah, you’re doing great. And you have eyes like the sea. Are you ok? EMPLOYEE:
Um… Actually it’s been a really rough time. My snake is sick. I know, and I can’t even take him to the doctor because I’m here. KATHERINE:
Snakes are everything. LEAH:
Hey! Quit being a dick! She’s working really hard! LEAH:
Yeah, and her snake is sick, dick! JERK:
(guehhh) EMPLOYEE:
You two are so kind. Here, take this artisanal plate, for free. (cha-ching!) LEAH:
Thank you so much. SEASHELL LADY:
Seashells! LEAH:
That was so cool! SEASHELL LADY:
Seashells! KATHERINE:
I’m gonna lick that clean! SEASHELL LADY:
Woah! (seashells crash on the ground) LEAH:
Are you ok? SEASHELL LADY:
Oh, yes. (laughs) Thank you so much. LEAH:
Wow, these are beautiful. SEASHELL LADY:
Oh, they’re for sale. They’re three for $15 if you want one… …or, um three. BOTH:
We don’t have $15, sorry. SEASHELL LADY:
Well, you know, you both have been so helpful. Here, take a shell. KATHERINE:
What? (cha-ching!!) LEAH:
Thanks so much! SEASHELL LADY:
My pleasure! Bye. BOTH:
Whoa, you can get free stuff just for
being kind? We can do more of that? LEAH:
Yeah, and get more free stuff! (cue dream sequence) (blissfully ignorant music) GIRL SCOUT:
Stop! You need to pay for those. KATHERINE:
But we did. With kisses! (blows lots of kisses) GIRL SCOUT:
Ew. No! That will be $68. LEAH:
But we were being kind! We don’t get these for free? GIRL SCOUT:
What? Hell no. When kindness is used as profit
it’s no longer kindness but instead manipulation. KATHERINE:
How old are you? LEAH:
Wow. You’re right. You know what? Here’s the money for the cookies. And the wisdom. GIRL SCOUT:
I guess since you were being nice, you can have one box for free. (cha-ching!!!) LEAH:
Really?? GIRL SCOUT:
Hell no! I’m a Girl Scout, not Mother Teresa. And mama needs a new pair of Vans. LEAH:
Peace out, Girl Scout. (group dancing in the street music) (cue group dance number in the street)

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